Coffee Prince ep 8/9

why did you have to hold my hand that way... now i can't get it out of my head.. and possibly.. just possibly... my heart

and so...

whatever eureka moments i've gotten, whatever things i've realised thus far about the past... doesn't matter....

i dun feel anything more than guilt and stupidity at best.. and there's just nothing to say anymore.....

i dunno why everything is coming up now.. why there's a sudden memory surge.. but it just doesn't matter anyhow.. i can't see how it does and sigh.... sometimes i wished i cared more... but i can't bring myself to....

all i remember are those events.. all the events that i refused to think more of... now come to haunt me.. and yet.. it's fading away again....

i think.... i just need time to adjust... and i will be fine

i need to be fine

i'm tired

i'm a fatigued stupid klutz

陌生人

歌曲：陌生人
歌手：蔡健雅 专辑：陌生人

一朵云能载多少思念的寄托
在忽然相遇的街头
当我们擦身而过那短短一秒钟
都明白什么都变了
一转身谁能把感慨抛在脑后
在事过境迁以后
这感情就算曾经刻骨且铭心过
过去了又改变什么
地球它又公转几周了
我不难过了甚至真心希望你能幸福
当我了解你只活在记忆里头
我不恨你了甚至原谅你的残忍理由
当我了解不爱了连回忆都是负荷
浓情爱恋都已陌生了
我不难过了甚至真心希望你能幸福
当我了解你只活在记忆里头
我不恨你了甚至感谢这样不期而遇
当我从你眼中发现我已是陌生人
我已是陌生人了
一朵云能载多少思念的寄托
在忽然相遇的街头
当我们擦身而过那短短一秒钟
都明白什么都变了
一转身谁能把感慨抛在脑后
在事过境迁以后
这感情就算曾经刻骨且铭心过
过去了又改变什么
地球它又公转几周了
我不难过了甚至真心希望你能幸福
当我了解你只活在记忆里头
我不恨你了甚至原谅你的残忍理由
当我了解不爱了连回忆都是负荷
浓情爱恋都已陌生了
我不难过了甚至真心希望你能幸福
当我了解你只活在记忆里头
我不恨你了甚至感谢这样不期而遇
当我从你眼中发现我已是陌生人
我已是陌生人了

melancholy is...

feeling the burden of the past the present problems plaguing you from the simple act of unburdening in unbridled honesty to an old friend who understands....

C

"when he went into the relationship ... his mindset was that i was made for him/meant for him... he had decided to love me and so he did and there was no out for him even if i acted like the most idiotic stupid person in the world..."

maybe not the exact words, but this was what i took away from dinner with C yesterday... to be able to find someone like that is not easy... and all i can say is.. CONGRATS dear... i'm so happy that you have found someone who with such a mindset, can only be good to you :D

*squeals* can't wait to go bridal gown shopping and food tasting and allll that stuff with you heeheee :P

thanks.. for being the one who always so easily understands why i feel the way i do and for being my spiritual guide in a lot of senses and for always sucessfully making me get out of my comfort zone for some reason or another heh :P love you loads~

回忆与想念

回忆并不代表想念- 不同的国家，不同的舞台，不同的同伴， 唯一一样的就是台上的人， 演出带来的HIGH

回忆起两年前看过那场一样的表演者的演唱会， 并不会想念同行的人，只会回忆起当时的点点滴滴...

the same performers, a different stage, a different country, different company, a slightly different act, but equally HIGH if not more so.....

while it brings back memories from 2 years ago at that concert, reminiscing about the past doesn't mean i miss the past, it's just a matter of fact feeling of... that was the past.....

it's rather.. saddening actually... that it came to this... but hey... who really cares anymore right?

all i can say is.......... MAYDAY IS GOOOOD!!!!!!!! MABS.......... NEXT TINE THEY COME WE MUST WATCH AGAIN K!!!!!! :D

Definitely maybe... let's start from here

on a whim.. the tablematey and i caught Definitely Maybe on friday after work.. yes the two crazy girls who were dead tired from work but still hyper enough to not want to go home and watch a midnight movie....

and it was surprisingly good..... and once again i realised... i'm a sucker for story lines to do with second chances.... which brings me to my new favourite song which i've been "forcing" everyone to listen to today heeheee

"standing here face to face/a finger on your lips/ don't say a word don't make a sound/ silence surrounds us now/ even when you were gone/ i felt you everywhere/let's start from here/lose the past/change our minds/we don't need a finish line/ let's take this chance/ don't think too deep/ of all those promises we couldn't seem to keep"

mmmm.... heh

anyways tablematey...... don't be pissed.... she's not worth it.. really!!! and i'll always be 5cm away to hear you rant heh :P erm.. if not you can stc me or call my ext or skype me or........... i'll run from wherever i'm sitting to wherever you are sitting (after 2nd june)!!!!! for now.. i'm still 5cm away heh

*hugs* *muacks* *loves*

i have pretty french manicured nails...

it was a strangely crazy day where i felt very detached from my surroundings and utterly restless and unfocused

M and i "sneaked" out for a short snack break today and bumped into BIG PEOPLE which made the both of us go hysterical enough to walk down the stairs in a bid to hide from the BIG PEOPLE heh but we lasted all of ONE FLOOR before we went to get a lift down the next 28 floors... and i think that was the only point in time i felt.. alive and real... laughing so hard i wanted to cry... haven't felt like that in a long while

"i want/like to see myself happy and cheery too"...

"you're lost.. cos you no longer know who you are and you dunno who you want to be"

maybe....

in any case... thanks G and M for that very cute stuffed toy rabbit (that stares at me!!!! SO SCARY heh:P)

thank you G, M and annika.. for keeping me sane and affording me my short snatches of sheer unadulterated happiness (ok more hilarity heh.. but it works :D)

life in general

i've let go.. i can feel it... and i've felt it for the longest time.. even though it might not seem obvious or apparent to others .. but i have... what's left is this sense of awkwardness and unease that i inadvertantly will make life for the pple ard us difficult.. just cos.. and the whole issue and the person is better out of my life than in any peripheral part of it... because it makes life simpler... no issues of guilt or what's right or wrong.. which means mutual avoidance etc etc....but it also means...... i like to pretend it never existed... any of it... so i'm sorry for any inconvenience caused heh

sigh... tired of all the things in life, tired of working... i rather be back in school... for some strange inexplicable reason.....

i'm just sian.....

i'm not unhappy... i just don't think i'm very happy either

for the first time in my life.. i'm struggling to want to be something i've always wanted to be.... i hate that feeling.. and i think i've lost the fight anyways

and i'm sorry i've been defeated... but right now being defeated feels.... more correct than winning this particular battle

beijing

for some strange and unfathomable reason.. i'm missing beijing... missing the place that somehow strangely grew on me and made me fall in love with it somewhat... without even realising it....

i miss the food, my korean takeaways, my yang rou chuans, my strawberries and strawberry tarts, my beijing kao ya (roast duck)...kang shi fu biscuits!!!

the familiar streets, the road to beida, to tsinghua, to my apartment

the buildings i see when i look out from the balcony

sculpting in time (which is no longer there), the massages, wu dao kou

the road to arthur's place, to BIFC

cookies' room. my room. the kitchen with that one spot where the chairs were left because it was so dirty and hard to clean we gave up on it....

the cold, the wind, the sandstorms i never realised were in existence... the snow in april

tour le jou (forgot how it's spelt heh), yishin, ya wang ....

it's like.... i've been so busy and entangled in so many things the past 2 years, and now when i have time to think about possibly travelling, i find myself wanting to go back to beijing... to visit my favourite haunts, to shop at my favourite places, to eat the food i miss... to veg out with cookies.... heh

i'll be back beijing heh

致G a.k.a the tablemate

"you know.. we will come out of this either very good friends or we'll hate each other"

.... i think it's obvious which way it has gone heh

*muacks and hugs*

(hehehe.. the chinese was to scare you :P)

clean slates

i want everything to start on a clean slate

i want everything to start on a clean slate

i want everything to start on a clean slate

but that means running away.... pushing everything off and just pretending things didn't exist and just walking away.....

i want to walk away

i dun want strings attached

i dun want no emotions

You don't want to let me go

i want to go

let me go

mmm...

i'm hoping that most of the world has forgotten about the existence of this blog so i can blog to my heart's content whenever i feel like it.. but actually.. what is there to say? life's just like that ain't it?

anyhow... well.... the past peeked through a little lately and for a split second i missed [●], but only for the slightest of seconds and i missed the [●] of the past and not the stranger i now occasionally glimpse from afar.

career wise....it feels weird that in abt 1 mth and 1 week's time, i'll be officially a [●], sigh....... feels odd, feels even odder being bugged by career decisions i dunno how to make .....

sigh... i don't want to grow up!!!!!!!!!!!!!

imprints

ran into an ex-student and his mother on the bus on the way home and heard about how he and a few of the rest i used to teach are doing.... it's good to know that these kids (whom i actually had a huge soft spot for despite them terrorising me) are now all grown up and doing well

these kids have left their imprints in my life.. and i hope i've made footprints in their lives...

i wish them well.. and hope that they make sense of their lives ... sooner rather than later :D

Choices

i chose to end it, so i have and will live with the consequences of that decision, no matter what they are..... it's just the way life is...

突然之间...

对你的回忆被无意得钩起, 很久没有浮现的思念也随即而行。 but it goes beyond pride..... so it will never be

apathy

i don't think pple like to be apathetic in general? just that life is so much easier if you are... cos responses... unless they are boring and nonchalant... will always make pple try to rouse something out of you either for their own entertainment or whatever.... and so i guess i've more or less learnt to be apathetic... gosh and i never quite thought i wld see this day...

on a different note... BAH... i tell you if the govt wants to encourage pple to take public transport more (not taxis per se.. but like buses and mrts...) THEN FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.... MAKE BUSES COME MORE FREQUENTLY AND NOT MAKE ME WAIT FOR CLOSE TO AN HOUR FOR A BUS!!!!

ok.. i got that off my chest.. i feel better now heh :P

NOT a new year/ recap 2007/ new year resolutions for 2008 post

not in the mood for that.. not in the mood to really think back or make promises i doubt i will keep for the following year.. so indulge me.. i'll get to it if and when i do heh

well.. A just flew off to USA for his work attachment thingy... bah.. i'm sooo going to miss him.. who's going to sit there and listen to me whine and let me cry even though it's his birthday! bah.....

and i'm missing my teething, finger-biting, stubborn little niece who looks so sweet but can scream louder than anyone i know bah....

in other news... despite the sudden panic attack before work started, filled with self doubt whether i made the right decision.... i'm... contented now.. i dunno if i made the right choice.. but... this choice... is an ok one.. i'm ok where i am... getting used to the new environment and pple.. and like G says... well.. pple do seem generally happier working here rather than in the old place...but the table space we have.. BAHHHH....... not good when work comes hahaha

....

mmm... i feel strangely disappointed in you.. i'm not sure why.... and i dunno if what i "heard" is true... but if it is.... well.. it's kinda sad that you seem to have changed.. but then again... maybe you haven't and i just had a wrong perception of you from the start.. ah well...

....

and now off to sleep cos i have not been on time at all since work started ... NEVER EVER ON TIME... i suck.. it was never like that in the old place.. G!!! WHYYYYYYY heh :p